Sample Paragraphs from a Words from the Heart Essay:
Since we moved to Hawaii, it was always difficult to see relatives because they were so far away. Texas was the usual summer vacation spot for us because my dad's entire side lived there. I loved going there every summer because being Mexican, I was able to really be surrounded by people that were of my culture and background.
A part of me often wished that I lived there only because I was missing out on the culture, the language and of course the delicious food. One thing that I loved and even though we were in Hawaii, barely knew any Mexicans, and never spoke spanish, was ever since I could remember my parents always called me "mijo." A simple word that meant son in Spanish. But to me it was something I heard more than my actual name in my household. "Your grandparents in Texas would always call you that, so it just stuck," my mom told me when trying to explain how I got mijo, all while my sister still remained Jennifer. I loved that it was always mijo and loved it even more that it was just used between me and my parents.
It is a constant reminder that I am Mexican, a constant reminder that I have family far way, a constant reminder that no matter where family is they never actually leave. Yes, I do wish that I could speak Spanish and wish that my culture wasn't lost because of living in Hawaii, but thats why I love being called mijo because it is a constant reminder of everything I am.
Commentary Process
You will discuss and post as a team. Be sure to include each member's name so that all can get credit.
- Start by reviewing the rubric, so that you know what is expected in this essay.
- Begin your commentary with the positive elements of the piece, but be specific!There is nothing worse, or more insincere than a comment like "I loved your essay!" Instead, you can comment on
- Specific details that helped you visualize what was happening, good sensory detail, for example.
- Details that brought out the writer's voice, that gave authenticity to the experience. For example, IF I had shared actual details about stories of memories in Texas during the summer, THAT would have been strong voice.
- Good organization: you could see the time sequence or spatial sequence clearly.
- Then, get into ideas for improvement. Here, it is most helpful if you can express your comments as questions. Thus, instead of saying, "You need more specific detail" you can ask the question, "Can you describe what you exactly feel when you are called by the special word?"
- Again, go back to the rubric for your comments. DO NOT JUST REPEAT STUFF FROM THE RUBRIC. Instead, ask questions that will help guide the writer to attain those standards.
Good luck :) I will assess all of your team critiques so that you will have a better idea of how to do this on your own.
The essay had really good organization, with the time spaces and sequences. The only thing we didn't like was the run on sentences. Maybe you can kinda make your sentences a little shorter :) -Kaylee and Angela
ReplyDeleteRocky and Britney gave the person essay a 4 because the essay shows how he really shows that his name that the grandparent gave him really means something to him. Something he could work on was that he has a lot of short sentences. But it also gives an insight to who the person is and his family.
ReplyDeleteThe author really thought about his culture and heritage, but if we were to grade this essay, we would give it a 2+ because there is major grammar errors and repetitive details. We feel that the author of this essay could do much more if they had more details. What we mean by details, is they need to explain more in depth about how he got the name mijo. This is why we give this essay a 2+. GOOD JOB THOUGH!! - Graded by Kaela and Lina
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteThe essay was enjoyable and was nice to be able to know the story behind the nickname your family members gave you. However, there could be some fixes that could improve the experience one gets through reading it. For example, sensory details; meaning more visual and vivid explanation of your story. Pairing this with an improved word choice would further strengthen your story. To illustrate, in the part where you wrote, "I loved going there every summer because being Mexican, I was able to really be surrounded by people that were of my culture and background." This could be further improved by adding sensory details. By doing this it also gives a better visual for the readers.
Not only that, we suggest that you organize your ideas for an easier time for the audience. Instead, of going back and forth with the past and present it would be better to do your past then present.
So in general: sensory details, better diction, and better organization/structuring would make this neat story a great one. ^-^
-Kari Lau, Coby Shimabukuro-Sanchez
+There is a really deep connection about the history of your family, and we feel what it feels like to be able to think about a their culture through one word. There is also quite a lot of detail talking about your feeling of moving to somewhere you are not familiar with and that the special word your family says is also touching.
ReplyDelete"One thing that I loved and even though we were in Hawaii, barely knew any Mexicans, and never spoke spanish, was ever since I could remember my parents always called me "mijo."
-This sentence could use less detail, because it might confusing to the reader the first time they read it, as well as most of the paragraphs also does the same and even get repetitive. Maybe you could put more detail why your grandparents started calling you mojo, since you mother got it from your grandmother. Also can you give detail more on Texas, and how it feels there, compared to Hawaii
- Kael Houghtby, Dogun Hong
One thing that we liked about your essay was how specific you were about what you liked about your culture (language and delicious food). We also like how the name connected to your past. One thing we suggest is to add more detail about your family and culture in Texas, such as how your grandparents got the name "mijo".
ReplyDelete- Kelci and Aaron
Rhysa & Javon:
ReplyDeleteYou gave good detail about what you miss about Texas. You explained it well. Add more detail about being called "mijo"?
The writing was great and the writer made me think that the writer was talking. what you have to fix is the long sentences. its good that "mijo" not just meaning son but talking about your family in texas